


Sapphire Vision

by nefarious_irusu



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Anxiety, Canon Compliant, Chatlogs, Chatting & Messaging, Coping, Cutting, Depression, Friendship, Gen, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, One Shot, Online Friendship, Post-Canon, References to Depression, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Self-Indulgent, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Supportive Katsuki Yuuri, Triggers, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-11
Updated: 2019-02-11
Packaged: 2019-10-26 00:38:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,974
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17735693
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nefarious_irusu/pseuds/nefarious_irusu
Summary: Phichit's screename comes from the Syrian ("teddy bear") hamster breed.I really just need a hug, idk.I would apologize for contributing nothing but self-indulgent depression fics to this fandom since December, but this wave if existential dread has lasted far longer than any other, and this is how I cope.





	Sapphire Vision

**xSapphireVisionx:** It was hard to get up this morning. 

**Syri_Lover:** What's going on, Phire?

Yuuri rested his head against the cold locker door, frowning. Phichit shouldn't be up this early. He must have turned on notifications for the depression support discord server they were both in. He hated not being there when someone in the server needed to talk.

 **xSapphireVisionx:** Sluggish. I knew I had to get up and go for my run, but I ended up laying there lost in my mind for too long and only ran for fifteen minutes. I hate myself sometimes, Syri.

 **Syri_Lover:** Did you get to practice okay?

Phichit was the only person in the server that Yuuri knew in real life. They purposely avoided using each other's real names and mentioning that they were skaters, instead just saying that they had practices, non-specific. Yuuri savored the rare anonymity in their server.

**StripedScorpi is typing…**

**xSapphireVisionx:** I got here okay.

 **StripedScorpi:** I'm on my way to a practice too so I can't talk long, but you shouldn't hate yourself for things you can't control, Phire.

Yuuri smiled sullenly down at his phone. He didn't have much inkling to the kind of person that Scorpi was, but they often vented in the chat. They were also always trying to make people feel better about themselves, even if it was in a blunt fashion.

**Syri_Lover is typing…**

**xSapphireVisionx:** It's tough not to, Scorpi. I'm really exhausted; I wish I could just go home.

“Ready, love?”

Viktor nudged Yuuri's head gently with his own, bringing him out of his distracted state. He nodded, shoving his phone in his locker without checking the chat again. Viktor gave him a once-over, suspiciously checking him from head-to-toe.

“You're not yourself today,” he finally concluded.

Yuuri shook his head in agreement. “Depressed, no energy,” he explained softly.

Viktor carded his fingers through Yuuri's hair, asking him, “did you find some support in your server?”

Yuuri nodded.

“Do you think you can make it through the day, or would you like to-”

“I'm _not_ going home,” Yuuri affirmed before Viktor could even speak the words.

Viktor sighed. “Yuuri, we can really take the day off if you aren't feeling up to it-”

“Up to what?” The locker room door slammed shut behind Yuri, who was typing away furiously on his phone.

“Nothing, Yura,” Viktor sighed, defeated. “I'll see you out on the ice?” He added to Yuuri.

Yuuri nodded, frowning as Viktor left the room. He bit down on his lip, leaning his head against the lockers again and willing himself to follow Viktor out to the ice.

“What's your problem?” Yuri asked, unzipping his duffel bag.

“Nothing,” Yuuri lied. “I didn't sleep well last night and I'm tired.”

“Oh,” Yuri muttered as Yuuri opened his locker for his phone. “Me neither.”

“I'm sorry,” Yuuri sympathized. Yuri only hummed in response.

 **Syri_Lover:** You can do it, Phire! I'm cheering you on!

 **StripedScorpi:** The beginning is the hardest. Once you start doing whatever it is you're there to do, you get lost in it. Take breaks if you need to.

 **Syri_Lover:** I'm heading back to sleep for a bit. I hope you both have good practices. I'll talk to you after!

 **StripedScorpi:** Thanks, Syri. I'm at practice now too, Phire, but send me a PM if you need anything, that way I'll get a notification. You're not alone in this.

Yuuri's heart swelled at the love he received from his friends, and he quickly typed out a thank you reply before putting his phone away. By the time he turned around, Yuri had his skates on and had his elbows propped up on his knees, with his hands holding up his chin.

Yuuri sighed, nodding his head towards the door. “Maybe Yakov will go easy on us today,” he suggested.

Yuri snickered. “Fat chance.”

 

 **StripedScorpi:** I relapsed last night.

 **xSapphireVisionx:** Oh Scorpi, what happened?

**StripedScorpi is typing…**

**Syri_Lover:** We're here for you.

Other replies of reassurance filled the screen as Scorpi typed, and Yuuri cuddled closer into Viktor's side on the couch. He hadn't been paying much attention to the show they had been watching in the first place, but now it was drowned out completely.

 **StripedScorpi:** My head got too loud. Everything weighed down on my chest at once and I tried to wait it out but it kept getting worse. I was alone and there was no one to stop me, no one to disappoint. So I cut myself until I felt better. Except feeling better didn't last long.

 **xSapphireVisionx:** Are you in danger of hurting yourself again now, Scorpi?

 **StripedScorpi:** Kind of…

 **Syri_Lover:** You're not ever alone, Scorpi. You have us. We will always be here.

 **StripedScorpi:** It was really late, I didn't want to bother anyone.

 **xSapphireVisionx:** You are never a bother. We care about you and we want to help.

 **StripedScorpi:** I'm sorry.

 **Syri_Lover:** Shh, no apologizing. We're here now. We've got you, Scorpi.

Yuuri smiled down at his phone. This was what the server was about- endless support for one another. They always helped each other through rough times and bad thoughts. 

**xSapphireVisionx:** Do you want to talk about what's going on in your head? What's making you want to hurt yourself?

The chat log filled with other screen names, all offering advice or asking for details. Moments later, Yuuri received a PM.

 **StripedScorpi:** Hey, is it okay if we PM? There are so many people in the chat and it's just getting… ugh. I know they mean well.

 **xSapphireVisionx:** Overwhelming? Of course it's okay, Scorpi. How can I help?

A message popped up in the server of Scorpi explaining that he appreciated everyone's love and help, but he was a bit overwhelmed and was going to take a little break responding.

 **StripedScorpi:** Yeah, overwhelming. I felt a little better at first, but now I feel just as bad, and guilty too, so even worse. I don't know what to do.

 **xSapphireVisionx:** A lot of the time, something that makes you feel better at the time ends up making you feel worse afterwards. I want you to know that no one thinks any less of you for relapsing, and that we're here to make sure you have enough support not to do it again. How are you feeling at the moment?

 **StripedScorpi:** I'm disappointed in myself. I think less of myself. I feel like shit and I feel even shittier for wanting to do it again.

 **xSapphireVisionx:** I know it's easy to get upset with yourself; we're all our greatest critics. I'm here for you, Scorpi. Where did you hurt yourself last night?

 **StripedScorpi:** My hips.

 **xSapphireVisionx:** Okay, and did you clean the cuts?

 **StripedScorpi:** No.

 **xSapphireVisionx:** Okay, so can you do me a favor? Washing out the cuts with some soap and water might sting a bit, but it will stop infection. And maybe the sting will help you to curb the urge to hurt yourself for now.

 **StripedScorpi:** Yeah, I can do that. Brb.

 **xSapphireVisionx:** Thank you, Scorpi. I'll be here when you get back. 

The show he and Viktor had been watching ended, and Viktor shut the TV off. He yawned, rubbing Yuuri's back. “Ready for bed, love?”

Yuuri shook his head, gesturing at his phone. “Someone in the server relapsed and self-harmed last night. They're still having a rough time, so I'm going to stay up and make sure they're okay.”

Viktor smiled, pressing a kiss to Yuuri's forehead. “My sweet Yuuri, always looking out for others. You make me so proud, you know.”

Yuuri's cheeks stained pink, and he brought his lips to Viktor's. “Thank you. Goodnight, Vitya.”

Viktor rose from the couch languidly, and Makkachin followed at his heels. “Goodnight, my darling.”

 **StripedScorpi:** I cleaned them. The sting helped a little bit. 

**xSapphireVisionx:** Thank you for cleaning them. What time is it for you?

 **StripedScorpi:** It's late in the evening. Is it late by you? I don't want to keep you up.

 **xSapphireVisionx:** It's late evening here, too. Eleven o'clock. You aren't keeping me up, I would be up anyway.

 **StripedScorpi:** Are you sure, Phire? I don't want to bother you.

 **xSapphireVisionx:** I'm positive. You're my friend and I'm here for you always.

 **StripedScorpi:** Thank you, Phire.

 **xSapphireVisionx:** Of course, hon.

They stayed up talking until two in the morning.

 

“You okay?”

Yuuri wrinkled his brow at Yuri, who was leaning against the rink barrier as if he might collapse. Yuri grunted in response, nodding. Yuuri skated closer, and Yuri buried his face in his folded arms.

“Tired?”

“Exhausted.”

Yuuri was tired, too. He placed his hand on Yuri's shoulder, giving it a quick squeeze. “When I stop for lunch, I'll bring you back some coffee, okay?”

Yuri raised his head at the prospect of caffeine, nodding. “Thanks.” 

Begrudgingly, Yuri skated back out to go over his routine.

Yuuri went to the cafe down the block for lunch, picking up sandwiches for him, Viktor, and Yuri. He brought back coffee for him and Yuri.

“You didn't have to bring me a sandwich,” Yuri complained. “But thanks.”

“You're welcome,” Yuuri replied.

They ate their lunch in near silence, Yuri having his headphones in and Viktor studying a sheet with Yuuri's choreography written on it. Yuuri ate his food and replied to CyroSithis in the discord, who was feeling really anxious due to his medication.

After lunch, everyone seemed refueled, and even Yuri was in a better mood. Yakov even called everyone off the ice a half hour early, which was a welcome surprise. Yuuri headed towards the locker room, but Viktor remained on the ice.

“I'll catch up with you in a little bit,” he called after him. “I just want to run through this a few more times.”

In the locker room, Yuri already had his skates off and his shirt was following. Yuuri's eyes darted to where his leggings had ridden down, exposing three scabbed lines right above where his boxers reached.

“What happened?” Yuuri asked, pointing at the wounds.

Yuri sucked in a sharp breath, yanking his pants up to cover the scabs. “Potya tried to jump on me when I was laying on the bed on my side. She didn't get enough height and slipped down. Tried to hang on and got me good.” He pulled his clean shirt over his head.

“Mm,” Yuuri hummed, unlacing his skates. Cats were dicks. Makkachin had never scratched him that badly. “Make sure you wash them, or you'll get an infection.”

“Okay, _Mom_ ,” Yuri snickered.

“Mom?” The locker room door swung shut behind Viktor. “Aw, Yurio, does that make me your dad? I'm honored!”

Yuuri held back his laughter by covering his mouth with his hands.

“Shut up, old man!”

“Now, that's no way to talk to your father!”

 

Yuuri was falling apart at the seams. His feet felt like lead as he dragged them across the ice, every jump he attempted ending in a cold, hard landing. He felt like he had something thicker than blood running through his veins, weighing him down. And it wasn't just himself that he was weighing down- it was Viktor, too.

Through his depression and anxiety, Viktor had always been a solid support system. But Yuuri still felt like a burden to him. He was working on his own programs for the upcoming season while still coaching Yuuri, and it kept him busy. Too busy, Yuuri decided, to take time away from practice to keep Yuuri from self-destructing.

He slipped off the ice under the guise of using the bathroom, slipping into the locker room and huddling in the corner, on the floor. He took in a few deep breaths, and his chest grew heavier with each one. The voices in his head that were always in the background took center stage, filling his mind with self-hatred and self-doubt.

_You're worthless, you're fat, you don't deserve to be where you are. Viktor settled for you, you will never win gold, everyone else is better than you. You can't even have a normal practice; all you ever do is break down and crumble like the pathetic mess you are._

Yuuri ran his hands over his left wrist, where the scars from the time he tried to end his life were still jagged and raised. He took in a shuddering breath, trying to convince himself to go get Viktor. He needed someone to keep him in check. He needed someone to save him from himself.

 **xSapphireVisionx:** Hey, I'm sorry if you're busy. I'm kind of freaking out at practice and I don't want to burden my boyfriend because I know he's too busy and I'm a nuisance. I'm a danger to myself and I know you said the other week that it was okay to PM you… I'm sorry this was so long and confusing.

 **StripedScorpi:** Hey, I'm here. You're not a burden. Why are you a danger to yourself?

 **xSapphireVisionx:** I'm useless and worthless and I can't even handle having a normal day like a normal person. I want to end it, Scorpi.

 **StripedScorpi:** Stay with me, okay? Let me talk you through this. Make sure you're breathing in slow and deep.

 **xSapphireVisionx:** My lungs feel so heavy. My chest aches when I breathe.

 **StripedScorpi:** I know it does, Phire. I need you to keep breathing anyway. Are you in a safe place, where you don't have anything to hurt yourself?

Yuuri thought of the disposable razor blade in his duffel bag he always carried for emergency shaves. It could easily be broken open and used on himself.

 **xSapphireVisionx:** Kind of.

 **StripedScorpi:** Okay, let me get somewhere a little quieter, and we'll try to talk through this. Stay with me, please.

Yuuri broke into a sob as he placed his phone on the floor, trying to breathe. He repeated it over and over in his head: _stay, stay, stay._

“Pig?”

Yuuri gasped. His breathing had been so loud and erratic that he hadn't heard the locker room door open. He scrambled to pull his glasses off and wipe his eyes, dropping them in the process.

“Sorry, I'm sorry. I need to go to the bathroom-”

His attempt to move past Yuri was unsuccessful, as Yuri grabbed his wrist to stop him. “Should I get Viktor?” He whispered.

The shred of composure Yuuri had managed to cling to up until then broken in an instant, and he shook his head violently. He trembled at the thought, his knees turning to jelly.

“No, please! Please don't. I can't be a burden. I'm already such a burden to him,” he croaked.

Spindly arms guided him back down to the floor, and then wrapped around his shaking frame. “You're not a burden,” Yuri whispered.

“I am,” Yuuri lamented. “I can't even get through practice without having a crisis over nothing! I don't want to live like this anymore, Yuri,” he sobbed desperately.

Yuri pulled back the slightest bit, and then moved next to him. “Here,” he murmured, placing Yuuri's glasses in his lap, “I don't want to sit on them.”

Yuuri sniffled, wiping his eyes before putting the glasses back on his face. They were only going to get fogged and wet from his crying, anyway, but Yuuri didn't care.

Yuri sucked in a sharp breath, placing his hands over where Yuuri's still rested on his frames. “Sapphire Vision,” he mumbled.

Yuuri froze, opening his eyes to find Yuri staring at him quizzically. “Wh-what?”

“Sapphire Vision,” he repeated. “Your blue glasses are Sapphire Vision. Striped Scorpi is short for Striped Scorpion, like Potya's name, Puma Tiger Scorpion.”

They stared at each other in silence for a moment, their shaking breaths vibrating between them. “We've been talking online for months?” Yuuri finally croaked, fresh tears streaming down his cheeks.

Yuri nodded slowly, processing it for himself.

“I-I was so focused on helping who I thought was a long-distance friend online, I didn't even realize that you were right next to me, and hurting.” Yuuri shuddered at the realization, “those cuts weren't from Potya.”

Yuri shook his head, hesitantly reaching out to Yuuri again. Yuuri returned the embrace eagerly, hiding his face in Yuri's shoulder. “They weren't,” he agreed. Barely audible, he added, “you weren't just tired.”

Yuuri exhaled, trembling. Despite the shock of the situation, a tremendous weight had been lifted from his shoulders. He was being held by the person who had helped him through so much in the past few months, and he didn't feel like a burden. Yuri had never made him feel like a burden online, and he didn't now, either.

“Thank you,” Yuuri whispered, still not letting go.

“For what?”

“For not making me feel like shit, or thinking of me as weak.”

Yuri snickered, but it was shaky and unsure. “I could say the same to you.”

They finally pulled apart, and Yuuri took off his glasses to clean them with the hem of his shirt. “I didn't know that you were dealing with things like that, Yuri. I promise I'll be here for you from now on.”

“I mean, you already have been, technically,” he pointed out.

Yuuri nodded. “And you've been there for me, too. But you can call me to talk, or I can come over, or you can come to our apartment.” Yuuri put his glasses back on, remembering how dangerous it had been for him to be alone at some points of his life. “I know sometimes physically having someone there can be the difference between slipping back into old habits or not.”

Yuri nodded, his cheeks tinting pink. “I had thought about calling you guys that night, and making some excuse to come over… just so that I wasn't alone. But I chickened out.”

“You don't need to make excuses anymore,” Yuuri promised.

With a reassuring smile, Yuri replied, “neither do you.”


End file.
